Why are the words so hard?

There are words I want to say, words I want to express. But I can’t.

They stick in my throat, no matter what I do.

Part of it is because I won’t want to be that guy. I don’t want to make the same mistakes. And by part, I mean a huge part, that’s pretty much the main reason.

I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to make things worse. I don’t want to find out that my absurd paranoia is right and these feelings are a product of reliance and latching on to her as a steady rock in the emotional storm that is my life.

But I want to say them. I want to tell her how I feel. I don’t even dare whisper them in her ear. I think them over and over in my head, mouth them where she can’t see.

I think she knows, think she suspects what I want to say. I’ve given enough hints. But I don’t want to upset things. I don’t want to cause her any more problems.

But I need to say them, somewhere. Need to whisper those words somewhere.

No one will know, no one will read them. Perhaps a stranger will come by and see these words and be moved by them.

Or perhaps they’ll go unread in the darkness of the internet. But I will say what I feel I need to say. To her, hoping that somehow, some way, she’ll find them.

If she does, maybe it’ll make her feel better. I just hope it doesn’t make her feel worse. If you’re reading this, I’m sorry - you deserve better.

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1 year ago  /  Notes

Bad experiences.

This is something that’s been plaguing me for a long time now. And I have to say, I think I’ve reached the point where I feel comfortable posting it online.

At least, I feel comfortable enough to take the leap and post it. As I type this, I’m not sure what I’m going to do with it. I’m typing it on my Tumblr blog and I plan to post it on my Livejournal as well, but I don’t know if it’ll be friends-only there or not yet. Depends how I feel when I get there I think.

After all, Tumblr is open to all, so why not post it to everyone on LJ as well? One of the answers to that is of course that only a few people even know about the existence of my Tumblr, so anyone potentially reading it would likely be a stranger, and for some reason that’s more comfortable than having lots of my friends definitely reading it.

But I will take the plunge. I’ll broadcast this out, via my Twitter to my Buzz as well, though I will remove it from my Facebook. Friends are one thing - family are another. And there are young folk who would see my FB.

Anyhow… to get to the matter at hand… If you don’t want to read it, don’t feel you have to. I just want to put it out there.

Back when I came to uni, I was fresh-faced and ready to take on whatever the world could throw at me. More or less. I convinced myself that I was at the very least bi-curious, and that I’d take any opportunities offered to me to experience whatever life had to offer.

Of course, I was actually repressing my shy nature, and had absolutely no luck with girls anyway - never mind boys, so I wasn’t getting anywhere fast.

I fell in with the Watt Gamers crowd, and through them, fell into LARPing - particularly Lorien Trust. And it was at one of the LT main events that things happened.

See, I’d made friends (prompted by other folk) with one of the older guys who attended the events. We both had a shared like of tea, and with him being a bit movement-impaired, I ended up doing lots of tea-runs. I have to say I enjoyed it - he was a nice guy and we had various chats about things. Though he was a bit of a bitter old man a fair bit.

One of the problems he had was a bad back. At one of the main events, the lad he normally did stuff with wasn’t there, and his back was playing up. He asked if I’d mind giving him a massage. He was a professional masseuse and he’d talk me through it. I didn’t mind, so we ended up going back to his tent at the end of the day so I could give him a massage.

This, for reference, is where I picked up all of my massage tricks - so that’s one thing to be thankful for.

After the massage, he invited me to stay the night in his huge tent rather than going back to my rather small one in the dark. I said sure. He offered space on his double air-bed (and I’m talking size of a normal bed, not just an air mattress). I again agreed.

He normally slept naked - did I mind? No, I said as I stripped to my boxers.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I did know where this was heading. But I was foolish, and young, and I steeled my courage and told myself I wanted to try it.

To cut to the chase, there was fondling, some probing and a half-hearted blowjob on his part. I didn’t get further than stroking him. I think it was about 5am when I left the tent, having left him to sleep after I cleaned his cum off my chest and got my stuff.

I couldn’t sleep. I sat around in the group tent with a puzzle book, staring blankly at it. I seem to remember that I wandered over to the showers in a daze at some point. No specific memories - a lot of it I blocked out.

That was pretty much the last time I talked to him. It left me fairly fucked up for a while. Wasn’t until a year and a half or so later that I actually got around to really thinking about relationships again. Took me a while before I could even contemplate anything sexual. The next time I did anything was getting together with Kim, and well… that didn’t exactly have a lot going for it.

But yeh, that was what? maybe 5 years ago and it still affects me now. Still shakes me to the core sometimes. That’s the seed of a lot of my issues, I think.

I’ve only shared this story with a few people, and never in this much depth. And now, I feel I can actually share it openly.

Thanks - you’re all a great bunch.

I’m not sure what I am any more. I still consider myself curious. I still wonder what it’d be like. Spent a night up talking and cuddling with a lovely gay guy not that long ago. It was nice, but I’m not sure I’m ready to do more than that.

Again, thanks. I wouldn’t be the person I am now without you all. And if you weren’t the people you were, I wouldn’t be sharing this.

2 years ago  /  Notes

too much information, not enough obfuscation

Basically, this is somewhere for me to dump stuff I want to get off my chest.

It’s going to be unfiltered. It’s going to be open-broadcast.

Read it, or don’t. It’s your choice.

But I’m not going to hold back here.

I may not name names, but I won’t hide identities.

2 years ago  /  Notes